Loss From Something Gained
When I started the journey to find out more about myself, I was hoping to gain insight into a family health history that was totally absent. I had an outside hope for connections, but they weren't expected.
There were times in my life when people used my adoption as a weapon. They said things that were hurtful. At times intentionally, at other times unintentionally. They were meant to put me in my place.
Hearing from my half bother Gary Mantalas last spring was out of the blue. To suddenly find four half-siblings was unexpected. There was suddenly a connection that had not been there before.
After a few phone conversations with Gary, he decided it was time to meet him and his two brothers. They were planning a road trip her in October. We were all looking forward to getting to know each other better.
Yesterday I learned of Gary's unexpected death. I know we've never met, but I still feel the loss. I also sense the loss my bothers and sisters and his children must be feeling right now. I can take consolation in having found Gary and a family that was unknown to me for 68 years. My heart goes out to them.
There's an untranslatable word in Portuguese that expresses the feeling of loss and ,perhaps, lends some perspective,
Saudade.
I found this explanation by Laurie Burrows Grad.
Saudade is a Portuguese expression that is almost untranslatable. The best way to describe it is: the presence of absence. It is a longing for someone or something that you remember fondly but know you can never experience again. It is an awareness of the absence of a person or thing, which puts you in a deep emotional state of sadness. The presence of absence grapples with those who should be here but aren’t. It is a form of homesickness and deep yearning. You are among thousands of people but none is the one you want to be by your side. Saudade is the moment you realize how important people are in your life and the moments you have taken for granted.
But there is something to hold onto.
Saudade is not nostalgia where you reminisce about happy and sad emotions. You remember the happiness but feel the sadness knowing you can’t recapture the feeling. Nostalgia expresses a sensation one has for a loved one who has died while saudade is the knowledge that some one is absent from my life. Saudade provides comfort because even in my sorrow, I sometimes feel an incongruous rush of joy in the hope of recovering something that will fill the presence of their absence.
